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CHILDREN JOKESDid it hurt?
Two five year old boys are standing at the potty to pee. One says: "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"
"I've been circumcised."
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?"
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"
Stupid mom
I don't think my mom knows much about children."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because she always puts me to bed when I am wide awake and gets me up when I am sleepy."
Two fingers up
On the first day of kindergarten, the teacher said: "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."
A little voice from the back of the room asked: "How will that help?"
I'm thirsty
His father sends a small boy to bed.
Five minutes later... "Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!"
Five minutes later: "Daaaa-aaaad..."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?
Why are you so late?
A Cub Scout trop was half an hour late to its den meeting. The den mother asked them severely: "Why are you so late?"
"Oh," said one boy, "we were helping an old man cross the street."
"That’s a nice, but it shouldn’t make you half an hour late."
"Well, you see," said another boy, "he didn’t want to go."
Child's kindness
A little girl asked her mother for ten cents to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness. "There you are, my dear, but, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?"
"Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells sweets!"
I tricked him
One day a little girl came running into her house yelling: "Mommy, I got five dollars!" The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.
The little girl replied: "Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree."
The mother told her daughter: "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."
"OOOOhhhh", said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling: "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked: "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"
The little girl replied: "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."
The mother replied: "Didn't I tell you that he is..."
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said: "Wait Mommy! I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today."
Doorbells
We had spent the day moving from our farmhouse into our new house in town. Very early the next morning, our 3 1/2 -year-old ran into our bedroom to wake us up. I dressed him and told him to play in the yard and to quit bothering us.
About 20 minutes later, he came running back. "Mommy! Mommy!" he exclaimed, "everybody has doorbells - and they all work!"
I thought I was, but...
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply: "I'm Mr. Hudson's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must just say: "I'm Jane Hudson."
The minister spoke to her in Sunday School and said: "Aren't you Mr. Hudson's daughter?"
She replied: "Well, I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
Neighborhood activities
Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "An ambulance just drove by." he said. A few moments passed. "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too!" his son replied.
Wedding photo album
The child was a typical four-year-old girl -- cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional etc.
"Now do you understand?" he asked.
"I think so," she said, "...is that when mommy came to work for us?"
Tell Mommy!
My two-year-old cousin scared us one summer by disappearing during our lakeside vacation. More than a dozen relatives searched the forest and shoreline, and everyone was relieved when we found Matthew playing calmly in the woods.
"Listen to me!" his mother said sharply, "From now on when you want to go someplace, you tell Mommy first, okay?"
Matthew thought about that for a moment and said: "Okay... Disney World."
Abraham Lincoln
Father: "Son, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked 12 miles to school."
Son: "Dad, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was President.
Progress
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up!
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