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NEW YEAR JOKES

New Year's Eve party

The New Year's Eve party had turned into a regular marathon with numerous guests coming and going.
At one point, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to the bar in the basement.
He sat there happily for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face. "You know," he confided to his host: "I wasn't even invited to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my driveway."
The guest continued: "My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved."

How fast do Santa's reindeer really go to deliver your presents?

1. Reindeer can fly (really!)
2. There are approximately 378 million children (Population Reference Bureau) who expect Santa to call.
3. These are distributed in 91.8 million homes. Assume 1 good child in each.
4. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical).
5. On each visit he has to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.
6. Assume houses equally distributed and in the 31 hours Santa and his reindeer can work non-stop and even after eating all those snacks he does not need comfort breaks.
Thats all the information you need, so Santa's sleigh is moving at ??? miles per.
(p.s. although the recorded top speed of a reindeer is 35 mph, Santa's are special, or else how could they deliver all those presents)
Answer:
Santa's sleigh is travelling at 650 miles per second. One of the fastest man made objects, the Ulysses space probe, only travels at a tortoise like speed of 27.4 miles per second. Lets just hope the traffic police are not out on Christmas Eve.

The top 5 ways to confuse Santa Claus

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say: "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
5. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

The 3 stages of life

1) You believe in Santa Claus!
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus!
3) You are Santa Claus!

Christmas cake recipe

You'll need the following:
1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 bottle of whisky
Preparation:
Sample the whisky to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whisky is still OK. Cry another tup. Tune up the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it goose with a drewscriver. Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon the sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whisky again and go to bed.

Knock, knock!

Who's there?
Mary!
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!

Annette: Hey - Did you hear about the big New Year's party on the moon?
Annette: Yeah - it's got a great buffet, but no atmosphere!

Q: What's fat and jolly and has eight wheels?
A: Santa Claus on roller skates!

Q: Why is getting Christmas presents for your kids just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
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