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Judge: "How could you swindle people who trusted in you?"
Prisoner: "But, Judge, people who don't trust you can not be swindled."
Judge: "I shall have to give you ten days or $20."
Prisoner: "I'll take the $20, Judge!"
20 years ago
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbingfrom the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.
"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.
"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant, when you were 16? ...And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released tonight."
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says: "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Bill Gates. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
The new man asked: "And... what happened?"
"One day Bill Gates reported his credit cards missing!"
Three prisoners are being executed via firing squad. The police are about to execute the first one when he yells EARTHQUAKE!
The police go running and the prisoner escapes before the police realize there's no earthquake. Right before they execute the second one, he yells TORNADO!
Of course, there is no tornado, but the prisoner escapes before the police reralize that. It was turn for the third to be executed. The police go "Readyyy... Aim...". Then, Frank yells "FIRE!"
Prisoner: “Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!”
Doctor: “I am... bit by bit!”
Work or Prison?
In prison, you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. At work, you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
In prison, you get three meals a day. At work, you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
In prison, you get time off for good behavior. At work, you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work, you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison, you can watch TV and play games. At work, you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison, you get your own toilet. At work, you have to share.
In prison, they allow your family and friends to visit. At work, you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison, all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
In prison, there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work, they are called managers.
F.F. and E.F.
Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car. The only thing he said was, "F.F."
His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."
Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."
She responded simply, "E.F."
He repeated, "F.F."
She again replied, "E.F."
"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"
Bad Bernie answered: "Your mother wants to eat first!"
Be strong, honey!
A prisoner escapes from his California prison where he had been kept for 15 years. as he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of the bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
To which the wife responds, "I am glad you think that way. Sure, he has not seen a woman in years, but he was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too...!"
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.
"That's no offence", said the judge.
"It is if you do it before the shop opened", countered the prisoner.