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RUSSIA JOKESRisk
American style of risk:
Racing in cars. One out of ten cars has a bad engine.
Risk - a la France:
Unprotected sex with a group of women. One out of ten women in the group has AIDS.
Russian style:
Telling political joke to a group of 10 people, one of whom is an informer.
Mercedes 600SEL
A New Russian comes into a car dealership and asks for a silver Mercedes 600SEL. The confused seller asks him:
- Excuse me, sir, but didn't you buy exactly same car three days ago?
- I sure did, - reports the New Russian, - But in that one the ashtray is filled up already!!!
The lady is alive
A drunk Russian tries to throw a lady from the window. She opposed.
The crowd shouts, - Stop it, man! The lady is alive.
- This is not a lady, this is my mother-in-law, replies the guy.
The crowd shouts, - Wow!!! Look... she even resists!?
Horizon
- The communist ideal is already on the horizon.
- Horizon!? What IS a horizon?
- It's an imaginary line where the sky comes together with the earth; it moves off when you try to get closer.
Get lost
A New Russian's son approaches a gorgeous lady in a lobby of five-star Metropol hotel.
- Mind a stroll? - he volunteers.
- Well, I bet your car ain't a Volvo, - she replies.
- Nope, it is not, - he confides.
- And you do not own even an average size bank, - she continues.
- Nope, - he admits again.
- And you don't have a three-storey house in Old Arbat, - she concludes. He agrees again.
- Then get lost, miser! The lady leaves, and the chap stands in distressed puzzlement.
- I can trade my Saab 900 for a Volvo, - he muses to himself, - and I can split my financial trust into a chain of average-size banks, but I obviously can't talk my father into demolishing the top three floors of our Old Arbat residence...
"Rabinowich," a friend asked, "do you read communist newspapers?"
"Sure I do!" he responded. "How else could I learn what a happy life I lead?"
A 15 minutes speech
Brezhnev rebukes his speech-writer: "Hey!? I asked you for a 15 minutes speech, but you made it one hour."
"No, sir, it was written exactly for 15 min - you just read all four copies."
Life sux
An New Russian meets an old Russian. The old Russian asks:
- How are you these days, Vasya?
- Well, life sux, - the NR replies, - I'm so tired of the Bahamas, and of those French restaurants, and those thousand-dollar-a-night whores... Really wears me up... Wha'bout you, old buddy?
- Imagine, I haven't been eating anything for three days already, - the old Russian says in a weak voice.
- Well, man, - says the New Russian, - I've had this sort of problem. You have to force yourself!
A chairman asked Rabinowich why he skipped the last Party meeting.
- "I didn't know that meeting supposed to be the last one," he answered with a grin of surprise.
Is it true that under communism people could order food by phone?
- Yes, but the delivery was by TV.
In tax police:
- Where did you get money to buy MERCEDES?
- I sold my FORD, added little bit money and bought it.
- Where did you get money to buy FORD?
- I sold my LADA, added little bit money and bought it.
- Where did you get money to buy LADA?
- I already have been in prison for that.
In the Russian army:
Rule 1. The officer is always right.
Rule 2. If the officer is not right, see Rule 1.
English
A New Russian in a duty free shop: "Do you speak English?"
Seller answers: "Yes, I do!"
New Russian: Marlboro!
How many Jews?
Brezhnev asks Kosigin: How many Jews live in our country?
- Approximately 3-4 million.
- And how many would leave if we let them go?
- About 20-25 million...
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