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USA JOKESLingualism
What do you call someone who speaks three languages?
"Multilingual"
What do you call someone who speaks two languages?
"Bilingual"
What do you call someone who speaks one language?
"An American"
Q: What is your opinion of American civilization?
A: I think it would be an excellent idea.
Titanic
Presidents Ford, Reagan, Carter, Nixon and Clinton were on the Titanic. On that fateful night the ship hit an iceberg and began to sink.
Ford screamed, "What should we do?"
Reagan said, "Man the lifeboats."
Carter said, "Women first."
Nixon said, "Screw the women."
Clinton said, "Do you think we have time?"
You Americans...
An American travelling abroad was accosted by someone unimpressed with her homeland: "You Americans killed off the natives of your country, you stole half of Mexico, you pillaged the rest of the world, and now I've heard you want to take over half of Canada if Quebec splits away from that country! Have you no shame at all? Haven't you made enough of a mess already?"
The American quickly shook her head and said, "No, no, no, you've got it all wrong. Are you joking - with our terrible health care system, with our education system in disarray, with our entire social fabric torn apart, we aren't looking for new territory. We're just waiting for Ontario to annex us!"
You might be an American...
IF you think that "European" refers to London, Paris, and Montreal... OR all of your hats and T-shirts have logoes on them... OR you own more sneakers than any other kinds of shoes... OR if you think ketchup is a spice.
America is the best half-educated country in the world.
Fun State Slogans
Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
North Carolina: Tobacco Is a Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really!
Test wether you are an American or not!
1. You decide that your relationship with your partner is over. How do you break the news that you are leaving?
(a) Leave a tearful note on the table and slip away quietly.
(b) Calmly discuss the reasons for your decision with your partner.
(c) Attack them with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering pumped-up inbreeds on national television.
2. You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park. What do you need to bring?
(a) A ball.
(b) A ball and 2 coats.
(c) A ball, 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armour, 20 cheerleaders, a marching sousaphone band with a grand piano on a trolley, and a team of orthopaedic surgeons specialising in spinal injuries.
3. What do you have for breakfast?
(a) A bowl of Cornflakes, slice of toast and a mug of tea.
(b) Glass of orange juice, croissant and a cup of coffee.
(c) A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak with six eggs sunny side-up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, ten waffles, five corn dogs and a diet root beer.
4. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married. What sort of ceremony do you have?
(a) A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office.
(b) A church service followed by a traditional reception at a hotel.
(c) A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-through chapel in Las Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis.
Answers:
If you answered:
- mostly (a)'s & (b)'s then you are a normal well-balanced individual;
- mostly (c)'s then do the world a favour and shoot yourself with the anti-tank weapon you carry in the glove-box of your pick-up truck.
Q: Whats the thinnest book in the world?
A: What Americans Know About the Rest of the World?
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