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On the roof of the hotel
Trying to tan in the altogether may be the stuff of private dreams. But location is everything, according to Story Jokes. An ardent traveler named Joan spent most of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a swimsuit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly started when she heard someone running up the stairs; Joan was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered hotel manager, out of breath from dashing up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the manager. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
The jazz trio
A lady aboard a cruise ship was not impressed by the jazz trio in one of the shipboard restaurants. When her waiter came around, she asked, "Will they play anything I ask?"
"Of course!" replied the waiter.
"Then tell them to go play chess!"
A little different
Billy Bob says to Lester: "You know... I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to me to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas. I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again."
Lester says: "So what you gonna do different this year?"
Billy Bob says: "This year, I'm going to take Marie with me..."
Madam, your child...
On the beach a man appeals to a lady: "Madam, your child has dug my shirt in the sand!"
The woman doesn't pay any attention at all.
Man: "Madam, your child has dug my shirt in the sand!!!"
Lady: "It's not my child. My child is washing cherries in your cap".
A guy on the beach just can't seem to make it with any of the girls, so he goes over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him.
"It's obvious dude," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing baggy old swim trunks that make you look like an old man, they're years outta style. Go get yourself a pair of these spandex Speedos -- about two sizes too small -- and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. You'll have all the chicks you want!"
The following weekend, the guy hits the beach in his tight Speedos with the fist-sized potato and... for cryin' out loud! -- it's worse than before! Everyone on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick! So the guy goes back to the lifeguard again and asks him: "What's wrong now?"
"Jeez!" says the lifeguard, "You gotta put the potato in the FRONT, kid!"
Q: How do men exercise on the beach?
A: By sucking in their stomach everytime a women in a bikini goes by!
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only", and they go in.
The bouncer explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
They start going up and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads, "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continue on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect. "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and they realize that there is still one floor left. They head on up to the fifth floor. On the fifth floor they find a sign that reads, "There are no men here... and there is no way to please a woman."
Ticket for Norwald
Man to Ticket Agent: “I want to buy a plane ticket for Norwald... for a vacation, you know...!”
Ticket Agent, searching book: "Norwald? Let me find that. Hmm... never heard of it. Let me see... Norwald. I don't see Norwald listed, and I can't find it on the map. Just where is Norwald anyway?"
Man: “Over there. He's my brother!”
Are there any gators?
For his vacation on the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"
"Noo," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."